having a crush is the worst fucking thing ever what the fuck. who the fuck actually enjoys this. actually thats stupid, im sure you enjoy it if you have a chance and arent an ugly unloveable disaster with a terrible personality. but i hate this so fucking much. i cant handle this it all hurts so bad. i wish i was still aroace, because i dont want to reckon with the fact that im going to be alone forever. 30 years from now im not going to wake up in a nice house with a loving partner and think damn im glad everything turned out ok, im just going to wake up alone with nothing in my life to live for or look forward to. even after i transition thats probably only going to buy me time until im in my 40s and realising that any shot at love and happiness has long since passed me by.

i really wish i wasnt so fucking unloveable. like. i know this is just going to sound needlessly self deprecating but i genuinely have no loveable qualities. like, in the romantic sense i know i have genuine friends but im just. not relationship material. im fucking ugly as hell. i look terrible. hrt glowup wouldnt even be able to fix this mess. im sooooo fucking irritating i know i am and i need to fix it but like. yeah. im annoying. i dont shut up when i need to. i say the wrong things all the time and meltdown about it. by myself of course. mostly. oh yeah im a piece of shit too, posting my venting on my social media for everyone to see. so add attention seeking asshole to that list too. im not interesting, i dont have anything interesting about me. im not funny, im not particularly anything. id say that at least im not an asshole, but with all the attention seeking and saying the wrong thnig all the time is there really any difference?
it just hurts a lot really. im trying really really hard to come to terms with the fact that im not going to get into a relationship, but i keep fucking fantasising about it. not even a relationship, even just yknow. general physical contact that isnt my shitty fucking family hugging me or a quick hug from a friend. i cant stop thinking about it and i NEED TO i need to cut this all off so badly because im not getting it!! this is not something i will ever have!!! but i just cant stop thinking about it. the crush isnt helping either, fuck. yknow i thought he was into me too and then we video chatted again recently and it just dropped off after that, the flirty stuff that is. i know its because of my looks i know it. hes still nice and we still talk so i dont think i said anything wrong! but i look wrong. i forgot about that i forgot how terrible i looked and stupidly assumed just cause we'd video chatted once before and he knew what i looked like that it wouldnt be so bad but i know i know i know i shouldnt have been so fucking stupid. maybe i shouldnt have been so fucking stupid to think anyone could like me back anyway. i probably misinterpreted fucking everything. im just so fucking stupid

im just beginning to realise how much of my life, particularly recently, ive spent like. disconnected. i dont remember much from my days, everything blurs together, nothing feels very real. emotionally i just feel totally disconnected unless my day has been bad enough to remember. i feel like im seeing and doing everything from like. behind a fuzzy layer or something. i feel dead and i fucking hate it. i just want to move on with my life, but of course i cant.
i think if im not on T by the end of the year, or just about to be, im just gonna kill myself. i dont think i can take much more of this at all. its been 5 years. i have tried very, very hard. not everyone makes it i guess.

So shit does NOT get better. Just so yall know. Anyone who ever fucking says that is a lying piece of shit because it really just doesn't. Life's fucked. Dysphoria's fucked. Everything is actually fucked. only one thing has changed in this past 5 months and it's that i want to kill myself even more now.
I mean I guess...i've done an intake at a local queer youth organisation. they're supposed to help me. i have my first proper appointment in two days. i just want things to hurry up and get better so badly, or i really am going to do it honestly.
It's genuinely gotten to the point where i actually fucking hate my family. Like genuine hate. ruining my fucking life because of their bullshit. sometimes i just want to kill myself horribly just to like. really fuck them up, fucking traumatise them. if i do kill myself ill make it horrible as i cant, and ill make that note sooooo fucking clear. its their fault, no questions asked. no questioning about whos to blame they will fuckign KNOW i will make sure they fucking know they did this.

Wow, its been a while. Whelp it was in fact the pill making shit worse. my boobs are smaller again, ill gladly take my period over that shit ever again. note to self!! when estrogen makes you want to kill yourself,maybe ADDING MORE IS A SHIT IDEA.
Anyway, im feeling a lot better now. kt tape as trans tape is life changing except i cant live without it now. im still very suicidal but not that bad. well its still pretty bad. but its not horrible like that every single day. graduation party week was good. didnt get smashed tho just a bit tipsy. it was nice. new laptop. im 18 now. nothings changed ig. im just unhappy yknow. i should be happy. to everyone else, my life is great. my parents love 'me', i got into my preferred uni course, i have a new laptop, im 18, life is looking up right? but no. im secretly trans, i want to die all the time, im unhappy 24/7 and i dont eat properly because i want to starve my tits off.

i want to feel normal again :( honestly i think its the fucking pill making my dysphoria really bad but i cannot be getting my period during exams and shit so. ill stop taking it after graduation. then im fucking done with this. ugh im so annoyed about that i thought getting rid of my period would help but nope. sore boob and the worst chest dysphoria ive ever had for months on end.

why cant i ever just feel ok i want to die i want to hurt mysefl i want to hurt someone else i want to fucking SCREAM at my parents and scream at that fucking 'friend' and i just want to run away and everything is over and iw ant it to just all be over why cant someone just tell me it will be ok or fucking kill me

been a few days since my update to the void huh. wait its actually been a week. i had a great day yesterday!! but my dysphoria is fucking kicking my ass. I think going on the stupid ass pill has made my tits bigger and its actually making me want to die. but at the same time so does my period, which is why i started it in the first place. ugh. apparently it should stop after a few months of taking it soooo i'll give it a bit more time. fuck my life oh my god. i just want the reassurance that this wont be forever but i know i wont get it because i might never get to transition.

finally did some art for the first time in ages. god, depression is a bitch. uhhh, got plenty of work done too. i feel a bit off though. i think i need to go outside more.

hope one of my friends throws a party sometime soon i dont wanna wait till graduation to get smashed. ooooooh i should be studying IM SO GODAMN SICK OF THIS SHIT i want to fuck around with my friends until 3am

bit of an eh day. worse chest dysphoria than usual. i hate my chest and i want to cut it off.

again, im probably a petty cunt. i dont care. im still fucking struggling to talk to him normally i guess. im still fucking pissed off. i dont WANT to talk to him. im mad. i fucking hate that im still mad but like?? honestly what was i fucking SUPPOSED to feel. brushing me off like that. like bitch you dont have the fucking monopoly on mental health problems

shit day as per usual. i just want things to change

i want to be a boy so badly it physically hurts i hate looking in the mirror i hate being aware of my body i wish it could just stop. ill never be a boy. maybe one day if everything goes right which it probably wont ill be a man. but ill never get to be a boy and my childhood will always be gone and wasted

life feels so fucking boring and the same all the time and nothing is ever going to ever change or get better i dont think

my life cant actually start until im a boy.

honestly, i really appreciate my friends. not the ones i was talking ab earlier..i mean i appreciate them but thats not who im talking about. she'll never read this but T, ur the sweetest person ever and dragging me by the feet into this friend group probably saved my life. honestly, her and M are probably my best friends these days. theyre great people and they talk to me often and i feel really comfortable around them. theyre good friends. and i think ill be ok coming out in future...look i dont know what M's opinions are but shes a good person. and twice when she was drunk T corrected herself to gender neutral terms with me...girl i havent even come out LMFAOO closet made of glass fr. shes a sweetheart bless her

look, ive had a good day today for the first time in AGES but now that i finally have a totally good blog for me to fucking rant on i want to. i feel soooooo godamn petty about this but ive been fr feeling horribly bitter at two people im suppoesd to be friends with lately. honestly, i dont think its fair to be mad at the first one and im working on that. i know he ignores my texts a lot, but he doesnt do great mentally a lot of the time, gets fatigued when it comes to social stuff. i just need to kind of get over that yknow? but godamn, his boyfriend. im not sure im ever going to get over this. i though this guy was my friend yknow? we were mutually discussing trans stuff and kind of venting. those two both came out to me recently and i thought it would be nice to have people who GET IT finally. but nahhh. i said i was feeling totally hopeless for the future and im not sure if im even going to transition cause yknow. ill be alone. and without missing a fucking beat. this guy glances at me, and then essentially says 'well me and x are going to move in together somewhere near uni and transition cause his parents are supportive yknow'
dude what the FUCK. like genuinely what the fuck im still baffled. i listen to him vent CONSTNATLY. every bloody lesson that we share together because i sit with him INSTEAD OF MY MAIN FRIEDN GROUP MIND YOU. and he couldnt even spare me a single word of comfort before talking about how HES not going to have that issue.
Like. did he just take it as 'oh he doesnt have bad dysphoria then'???? i honestly dont know how you could. the implication there was I WILL KILL MYSELF, which i can excuse not getting the implication there but. i dunno. its just confusing. i thought we were friends that just seems CRUEL. its been like a month and im still mad about it like genuinely i feel so fucking bitter its insane. i dunno. but i have to still be nice to him because we're friends right. we're still friends arent we. i dont fucking know. i dont know if i want to be anymore. but if i stop being friends with him then i lose his bf as a friend too because GOD FUCKING FORBID those two be independent of each other. i know damn well he could be a genuine fucking cunt to me and my best friend of 6 years would still side with him because ahhh yes true love amirite. and now because of this i cant feel comfortable venting to him either. theyre very similar people. he probably would be the same. i dunno. am i irrational? i feel kind of irrational. im probably being irrational but i dont have a lot of space in my brain left for being fucking rational these days. im doing very shitty. and i have literally no one to help me about it. uhhhh lets run off the list. irl friends: the only two who know im trans and could fully understand my problems are a) a fucking dick as previously explained and b) i no longer feel comfortable talking too and frankly i feel we've grown apart. i have two other friends that are both really sweet but they dont know im trans and dumping all this on them during such a stressful time, we;re getting to exams, would be a lot. i dont think im ready either. i have online friends? bt one of them its like...ok hes less than two years younger than me but no matter wht i feel so bad venting to him, or anyone online really, because all i can think of is the online friend i had who was 17 and i was 13 who staight up traumatised me from being suicidal and putting it all on me every. single. day. ugh.
to anyone who sees this am i cooked LMFAO

edit: well, if anyone sees this i was a little harsh. not towards that absolute piece of shit oh my god i hate him even more now. but towards my friend. they broke up with him 💀

just a test post for me to sort out the css for my posts!