gonna use this page to talk about opinions, experiences, etc. that i dont necessarily feel comfortable talking about on my other social media. Most of these will probably sound disjointed. I'm word vomiting here, I might not make a lot of sense or phrase things properly.
the way everyone talks about passing and trans men embracing masculinity.
There's a certain level of weird behaviour that people seem to display towards trans guys whos goal is, above all else to pass, the ones who want to just be fully seen as 'normal' men. I say that in quotes, but you get the sort of guy I'm talking about there, right? From allies, particularly cis ones, theres an undertone of like, discouragement from a lot of them. 'You don't need to pass' I want to. To an extent, I understand discussions around how psing culture can be toxic, but like with a lot of things these days, I feel like people have taken 'this is bad' and then sprinted all the way into the exact opposite end. And that's how i consistently see people telling trans men asking for passing tips that they dont need to pass to be valid, which I understand as a disclaimer - if you were going to give any, which they typically don't. In my early days of figuring out my transness, I feel like this is one of the things that stopped me from identifying as a binary trans man for so long. There seemed to be so much pushback that I noticed to a lot of people around me. I'm sure a lot of people remember that specific era of the queer tumblr...hmm, how do I describe this. Yall ever seen that funny Instagram reel by that trans guy called noah (the porn star, not the singer) where he made fun of 'binding advice' where people would overemphasise feminine features and then discourage transmascs from wearing it alltogether? Obviously overexaggerated for comedy, but look, you get the vibe.
God, where was I going with this.
Ok, the point I kind of wanted to make is that I feel a lot of people never got past that socially ingrained distate for women and 'women' who are masculine or just not traditionally feminine. And then, because this bias hasn't at all been worked on, that's how you get people getting annoyed and discouraging trans men who are asking for passing tips. That's how you get misinfo about binding and bottom surgery that originate from LITERAL TERFS spread through queer communities. The binding stuff might be dispelled mostly these days, but the bottom surgery fearmongering definitely hasn't. That's how you get cis women who ditch their transmasc friends once they go on T and aren't someone they can dismiss as 'quirky girl' anymore.
idk. might add more to this later. but i really dont like the culture around how people in queer spaces treat masculinity in trans men as something to be shut down or shameful. i think we should be allowed to be proud of it.
sexuality
Well, the front page does say im having a sexuality crisis. and i am. and honestly, a lot of it is heavily linked to my dysphoria, and im genuinely struggling to detangle it from that.
I've identified as aroace for a fair few years, and oriented aroace for most of that. For those who don't know, oriented aroace is an completely aroace person who feels another form of attraction, like alterous, queerplatonic, etc. It's confusing, and it made sense because my feelings were confusing. It might still make sense, honestly. But im seriously starting to think that I just..might not be aroace. That it might be a big combination of factors. I dunno, I think I'll always identify as aspec in some regard. But im beginning to genuinely think that its just a result of dysphoria.
I am TERRIFIED of having someone who loves me being attracted to me because im a 'woman'. I dont want to be in a relationship thats built off someone perceiving me as female and being attracted to me from there. I dont want to be loved like that, even if it goes deeper than that. I dont want to be attracted to men because thatll make me feel like a straight girl, and I dont want to be attracted to women because that'll just confirm what my parents think that im a confused slightly masc lesbian that had that one gender crisis ages ago because of internalised misogyny. I dont want to have sex with anyone because i fucking hate my body so so so much and I dont want someone to find that fucking attractive because i HATE it.
but im starting to want something so BAD. i might just be lonely, but i badly want someone who cares about me and who understands. i think? i might be into men? but i dont think i could ever really be with a cis man honestly. i mean, can you really call it fetishy if im a trans man but it still feels weird to say that i think im only into other trans guys. yeah, men are hot, and men who fucking clawed their way there or are in the process of that are wayyy better. and theyd get it. i dunno, attraction be damned i think i could only ever be t4t purely because of all the r/ftm horror stories of partners that leave or try to detransition their trans boyfriends.
this is rambly again i guess. but yeah. oh, one more thing? i dont know where this fits, exactly, but i feel shitty calling myself a gay man, the thought of it, because of the way gay trans men get treated. like why has EVERY gay trans guy ive seen online been persistently harassed for it and treated like theyre just a creepy little girl fetishising the REAL gay men. i dont want to be perceived like that. what if i am like that? i dont want to be. i dunno.
isolating
being trans is so fucking isolating, honestly. being a trans man specifically, i guess. i dunno. its a struggle to find people like me in real life, and when i finally do and theyre already my good friends, it actually makes things worse.
I dunno. I guess its just really, really lonely. There are communities online but they're filled with discourse, because tumblrs current rotation of 'actually this group isnt oppressed in a way unique to them and any talking about opression they face is actually harmful to x' is focused on trans men. unfortunate for me, because i got to see the 2019 aphobia resurgance just as i was newly figuring out that i was aroace, and now, right after i get comfortabl with identifying as a trans man, theres that.
I guess this is more of a rant than anything productive. Im not really good at that, im bad at articulating my thoughts when it comes to meaningful stuff like this. I just wish I had a space to talk openly and freely about how this makes me feel, how being trans shapes a lot of things. Not to sound like a dick, but people really are too caught up in political correctness sometimes. I want to be able to talk honestly with people about how my dysphoria fuels my eating disorder without being told im bodyshaming, yknow? stuff like that.